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   In my previous blog I talked about setting boundaries for your kids and sticking to them. In that blog I mentioned parenting children with different personalities and promised to discuss that topic a little further. So here we are…

Recently, I had a conversation with a parent of four children and she made reference to how different all of her children were personality-wise and how she had to discipline each of them accordingly.

Her oldest was always very compliant and generally she could just explain to the child what he was doing wrong and he would correct his behaviour…. (Boy, don’t we wish all of our children were like that.) She found out the hard way how that isn’t always the case.

When her second son came along, things were entirely different. She had to be much firmer with him. The conversations that worked so beautifully with her oldest son did not work at all with her second son. She made mention of how she had to find ways to adapt to what that child needed discipline-wise so that he too could learn the type of behaviour that was acceptable and of course what was not.

So, I really started thinking…. How many of us are in this exact same boat? We have become used to one type of discipline technique which works great with one child and then find that it doesn’t work at all with another and yet we fail to adjust. For some, we are afraid that we will appear to favour one over the other. For others, we just don’t know of any other way to do it.

Here are a few tips on how to adjust your discipline technique with each child:

1. Recognize that your children are different and celebrate it. It is so wonderful that we are each so uniquely made. We all have our special gifts, strengths and, of course, weaknesses as well. The first step is to acknowledge this and then find ways that you as a parent can complement the strengths and come alongside your child to help them with their weaknesses.
   Note – This does not mean that you are favouring one of your children by doing this if you are indeed determining their strengths and their weaknesses.
2. Consistently have the same expectations for each of your children. As I was talking to this mum of four, she said something that stuck with me. She said that she had the same expectations for each of her children as far as their behaviour were concerned – it was their choice on how they chose to get there. Some children are just going to be more strong-willed than others. But if you are consistent in your expectations on things like how they treat others, using their manners, listening and obeying their parents and so-on – then they will know that if they choose not to do these things, there are going to be consequences. Again, consistency is the key.
3. Do not compare your children. Saying things like, “I wish you were more like your brother,” is one of the worst things you can do. Your children are who they are for a reason and the qualities that they possess are there to help them with their life’s purpose. A child that may seem particularly stubborn in his youth may need that “stubbornness” later on in his life. It is our job as parents to focus those qualities in a positive direction.
4. Keep trying different techniques until you find one that works. As mentioned above, maybe you can just talk to your child while others need a time out. Sometimes you will need a combination of discipline techniques. If you don’t know of different options, then research them or even ask other parents what works for them. And that brings me to my last point…..
5. Never give up. Although this process can be exhausting and you can feel like you are never going to find something that works – have faith. You will find a solution if you just keep trying. I promise, It will be well worth it in the end.

Children learn a great deal through watching and imitating others; however, there is no shortage of negative role models in today’s society. Both children and teenagers spend a lot of time in front of video games, television, and the Internet – which don’t necessarily advertise family values in every situation.

Many parents don’t really think much of their sons or daughters imitating actors and actresses on television but the fact remains that many children and teenagers do just that. This can be displayed in the way they dress, act, and talk – just to name a few.

Many parents want to be the main influence in a child’s life but most parents are not – especially when they are competing with so many external influences.

There are a few things you can do to help your child surround themselves with positive role models.

• Start limiting the time your child spends in front of the television, Internet, or video games, and start spending quality time with your child. These outside influences are presenting your child with a wide array of material that they should not be exposed to. Even cartoons that were extremely innocent at one time are no longer that way. If you can take some time and watch your child’s favorite episodes with them you will quickly learn whether or not what they are watching is appropriate.
• Make sure you are spending quality time with your child. This is the best way to teach him or her characteristics that build good character in a person, such as dependability, honesty, compassion, integrity, and high standards and morals.
• Talk with your child about the outside influences they witness. Explain to them that these things are not always appropriate and why. You aren’t going to keep them away from every negative thing out there but you can be there to help them process what they are taking in.

One of the biggest challenges as a parent is knowing how to discipline your child. First of all, each child is very different and you may need to adjust your discipline philosophy based upon the personality of that child but we will get to that more in a future post.

The biggest mistake that most parents make is that they are not consistent with their children. Basically, many parents will talk tough but then do nothing to enforce the rules.

If you tell your son or daughter that no play will be allowed until chores and homework are completed, and if they break the rule, no computer games and online games for a week. You absolutely need to follow through with what you told him/her the consequences were going to be. If you don’t – your child will lose a little bit of respect for you each and every time until there is nothing left. And that is when you are in real trouble.

Note: If you are a parent who has not been enforcing the consequences as you laid them out to be – it is never too late to get started. It will take some work and your child will be upset with the idea in the beginning but sooner or later they will realise that you plan on enforcing the consequences that you have laid out and they will change their behaviour accordingly.

In today’s world of parenting, it seems as if children have started raising themselves. It seems that parents never want to upset their children and as a result they just continually give in to their child’s every want and desire. This is happening from a very early age which is why so many parents are having problems with their teenagers. When the parents try to take back control from the teenager, it is extremely difficult (and sometimes impossible) because the child has literally been calling the shots for so long – that is all they know. They, of course, don’t want to give up this control. (Would you?)

Although it isn’t easy, parents need to take back control no matter how old their child is. The child needs to realise that the parent is the authority in the household. Of course, the younger the child is, the easier this is going to be. The first thing you need to do as a parent is stop trying to be the child’s friend and start being their parent.

As a parent you need to remember that you child will make many friends throughout their lives – but in most cases they will only have two parents. Even in situations where a child has step-parents, the number of friends in relation to the number of parents simply cannot be compared. So, don’t be afraid to be their parent because this is what they desperately need! They may not always like you but they will always love you and respect you for making this decision.

Kris had conducted a parent-child bonding workshop at a primary school in Nov 2010 using Lego Serious Play methodology. Parents and children built models to show their ideas of what “Quality Time” means. It was amazing for parents to discover that the child’s idea of “Quality Time” is often different from theirs.

One mum came up to Kris and told her that she never knew that her dressing mattered to her son. He wanted her to dress up and look good. This may seem so trivial but it’s the first time her son had told her his likes and dislikes. It was an eye-opener, especially for the parents.

With Lego Serious Play, the children didn’t feel “judged” and they were able to share their ideas openly. Parents heard their children share their ideas and were very surprised at the outcome.

This would be an excellent workshop for parents and teens as well, where communication is often a “BIG” issue.

I’ve been reading all the articles paying tribute to the late Mrs Lee Kuan Yew. However, what struck me most was the love between MM Lee and his wife. For 63 years, they were inseparable. In talks that I have given to parents, I’ve always said that the best gift that they can give to their children is to love their spouse. Here, we see a remarkable example.

While she stayed away from the limelight and in her own words, walked a few steps behind her husband (typical of Asian women of the past), her influence was tremendous. MM Lee said that Mrs Lee was the, quote, “insurance policy,” which allowed him to play the role he did in Singapore’s history.

Mrs Lee was definitely an example to emulate. She focussed on the homefront and made it a point to be home for lunch with her children everyday, despite her career demands.

Parents, let’s be intentional in making time for our children and our spouse. We’ll never regret because this “investment” will reap rewards multiple folds when we see our children grow up, leave us and make a mark for themselves.